Being at peace with myself…

today i was watching a video on ted talks and it featured a lady who was sharing her experiences on her love life. She went on about how she got married thinking of this perfect picture of having kids and having a picket fence and aging together with her soul mate…

Turns out she got divorced like twice and remarried like thrice..she also shared how she had a rough childhood where her parents couldn’t be there for her so she ended up being exchanged in various foster care homes…

That’s when I started staring at her …watching  her expression as she was addressing the audience. She looked like she had accepted all that had happened…In fact as she was describing her past, she was making jokes about it…while getting teary in areas where she couldn’t help her emotions..

In fact the title of the video was

‘how marriages are supposed to work”

not that i care to get married anytime soon, but I was just curious. People make a fuss about being married and having a perfect love life as I roll my eyes to that illusion..

So maybe I just thought that she would say something different about it other than what am used to hearing and guess what..

she did….

She talked about how she decided to first marry herself before going into the dating world…

“now that’s just sad..” I thought to myself..but I didn’t hear the whole story…so she went on about how she decided to marry herself. To accept herself for better or for worse..she discussed how people have bad days and good days and how their attitudes change.

Most people who have bad days get the attitude for it as well…like me

Am exactly who she was talking about..sometimes I feel like am not great enough….I even like hear the sound of my voice and am like “oh shut up you sound horrible..-”

yup there’s that stupid voice inside me…On the brighter side, I still pray for it to go away..

So yeah…she talked about how she found this new side of life where she is committed to herself in good or bad…

For example, she would face disappointment in a positive way…she wouldn’t sulk like we normally would..

She would be there for herself, comfort herself…get her energy right to face the next thing in life…She was like her own cheerleader…

that’s when I got really inspired..Most times when I disappoint myself, Its like i shut down and my mind goes through this electrical span of bad energy.

but then she just told me to stop doing that…I learned that you need to be okay with yourself whether you feel like a loser or feel like garbage…

She talked about how she stack with herself through disappointing moments of her life and revealed how it changed her life…She stopped worrying unproductively..

And it got to me…hmmm…Maybe that’s the secret to dealing with life..

Its hard enough that life is hard enough…why should we make it even harder by trying to think we can change the events that occur in our lives…

Am not saying that you be happy especially when you feel like what your doing doesn’t make you grow….

am saying you should be there for yourself to give yourself that positive vibe you need to conquer the problem and finally achieve what you wanted to achieve.

Most people (me included) just focus on beating themselves up when they do wrong..that will block your focus from moving on and finding solutions to whatever is going on..

So at the end of the day, what I got from that video was that you don’t have to spend most of your energy feeling bad about something..Its normal to feel bad…but the more you don’t let it block your focus, the much better you will deal with the negative situation…..

that’s it for now…

try this and tell me how it goes…

good luck

 

 

Coping

Am here. I exist. But something is still a miss
It looks perfect but as you look closer, there many loopholes to a complete puzzle.
The incompleteness is a constant shadow that wears me
It drives me to be curious about life, what it means to be who I Am..
Trying to look for answers within me is not easy..but it gives an illusion of mystery,
You think you are finally going to be the hero who connects the puzzle of your life
But the harder you try.. The closer you get the more the answers wander away
So you start trying to look for answers by driving the focus to your surroundings
You observe others… Try to analyze the reason for who they are and try and make sense of understanding why you are who you are..
Then you probably start connecting some dots because you related with some of the traits you observed earlier
But at some point. It gets old…
It gets tired..
You want to try something else to solve the puzzle
But no matter what you do, the shadow of incompleteness still follows you around…
It’s now become familiar.. It’s not a negative anymore..
So it’s time to embrace that imperfection and let it help you open your eyes….
So you try to get by,
Ignoring what pulls you back and only get involved when you are feeling vulnerable and emotional
But it still doesn’t work because that’s when it hurts and burns the most like a fresh wound…
But it goes away and you assure yourself that the mental torture is gone…
It gets quiet..on the inside…
You heal, get over it..
And you get back to normal… With a tougher skin ready to face anything
The cycle continues and it only breaks when the usual events in your life take a twist and go in an unusual manner..
The hole is still there but you convince yourself that it may be a gift in disguise for understanding life in a deep and unique manner..
It will probably stop at some point but you can’t force it to..
You just got to take it gracefully and break away from the shell of doubt..

Under estimating

ITS NEVER ENOUGH UNTIL YOU DECIDE…

For me, life has been a journey, a long journey of lessons, regrets, mistakes and different experiences. The toughest I have struggled with would be standing up for what I believe in especially if it does not fly with what people want to hear. Its been a tough ride. But I think its been tough because of my struggle with fear of disappointing people. Its weird because I have still dissapointed someone even as I continued to live a cowardly life.

However, as much as I struggle with this fear of looking up to societal pressure to live my life, at some point, it gets tired. And you start having this thoughts of convincing to step out and be different. The fear of feeling like you may never allow yourself the opportunity to experience life from a different perspective and never get to feel the thrill and learn something valuable. Even as I take these courageous steps, somewhere along the way I still want to do more….be more outstanding than ever….the urge in me increases sometimes it gets to the point of bringing me down because as much as I have accomplished whatever, that feeling of stagnation and hopelessness trickles in once again. Its like I want to be consumed by whatever I do to the point I stop forget about me.

Am trying to work on that issue…because you cannot rush life to a pace that it cant manage…I have to go with whatever comes and goes and trust it will turn out fine..During this semester in design school, It reached a point where I was so frustrated because of the work load that came with it plus the difficulty in those tasks. I had to discipline my thoughts and prevent them from putting my hopes down and I kept pushing…

Some people thought I was a mess and would laugh at me…I would not get offended as that is the picture I painted of myself to them. I would panic ask people to assist me here and there, but I would eventually get it and move on. This has been a lesson to me to stop under estimating myself….it felt great to know that I was capable more than I thought I was..theres always that imaginary guy that laughs at you in the mirror when you tell yourself you are going to make it….I get that a lot sometimes i quietly murmur something great or positive about myself and then laugh about it like am being ridiculous…but its going to be a journey of learning the entire opposite…

I truly want to learn the art of trusting myself with whatever comes at me or for me …I want to do stuff I have never done before I want to go out there and prove myself wrong then maybe later I can prove to others…:)

otherwise its been real i have not so much to say for now so am out

bye

Reflection in the middle of busy

I know it’s been a while since I wrote of anything. Yep. I got over it. I had no inspiration to pour my heart out on a blog. I think am still not sure but I just feel like writing something. If it makes sense I will share it and if it doesn’t, well…..
I have posted before how I have some struggles with self esteem n blah blah blah…
Ok I need to be serious…
Now,….. Today I was busy and all about my business by the way I have been so caught up with deadlines n pressure this n pressure that…..
It’s been a cycle repetition wake up do what I do go back home… “…..”
But it’s been an event of growth and I thought all was going well
I happened be in an elevator and how that mirror stares at you in the face. It felt weird.
What am I saying, mirrors are there all the time… Whats the fuss.?
It made me reflect not on the mirror that would be weird..
It’s like I didn’t know who I was I. Fact I was peeping and wondering but I was scared
Why?
Is it that I wouldn’t like what I saw? Or I would start wondering what people see in me? I didn’t feel like letting my mind go there
Am already in a tight vacuum of deadlines
But I just shrunk and started experiencing doubt
I wasn’t looking at anyone
Then all over sudden I open an encouraging text from my sister and she didn’t know I was going through it
Maybe it was God trying to let me know that I need to stop listening to what the evil voice has to say and focus on what he gave me a second chance to start
Sometimes I think it happens like that
You go through stuff then as soon as you pick up progressive pieces of your life that stupid little voice goes in….
Many people recover from struggles but somewhere along the way there’s that hinderance that comes to test if you really down with the recovery path…
Sometimes it really destroys everything and you find yourself back to zero.
Even if that happens, don’t despair it’s probably another chance for you to clearly figure out your life before you make that decision that will have a major impact in your life…so
It’s been real I will post this
I have felt inspired 😛
Till another inspiration comes
Am out..

Instead of looking down, look around you

Have you experienced this feeling of emptiness? Deep down…it drags with you wherever you go…what drives One to that point?
Life is a one time opportunity and once it’s taken it cannot be given back. But there is a period where you feel like you are disappointing this opportunity.
And there’s nothing that can be done to change how you feel. You breathe that disappointment every second of your life that passes by. It feels like the air is stuffy and you just want to fly away.
Luckily, there are those distractions that pass by your life and remind you it’s not that bad. They decongest the stuffiness in your space. Personally, I appreciate that.
Sometimes, it gets difficult but there is always that one thing that changes your perspective. It could be someone that makes your day or irritates you untill you find it hilarious..
An event can also make you change your spiral of negative thoughts. It can be good or bad.
However, you cannot experience this distractions if you keep looking down and analyzing sad thoughts.
I think when you are down, try and ignore that for that Day and get up looking forward to the experiences people help create for You that distract you from thinking and over analyzing yourself in a negative space.
I think. Everything you meet in life has a purpose in how you shape your thoughts and make decisions. That’s the greatest opportunity you get to inspire you not to quit the struggling journey called life.
If you quit, you get to miss out on learning from sooo much…
So my people, don’t quit and as Johnny walker does it,

Keep walking

A childlike heart

I was woken by screams from the neighbor’s house. I could hear and feel the agony of the mischievous child as he was being disciplined by the mother. The boy was screaming so loudly until I became worried. “is the boy being forced to walk on coal?” I wondered. Personally, I fear pain and watching someone go through it gives me chills.
But guess what, after a few hours, the boy was outside laughing chatting with his mother like nothing happened. In fact, I overhead him say, ” mummy uniletee chocolate”..what? I could not believe it.
A few hours ago it felt like he had been taken to hell and now hes back to normal?
But I guess that’s how children are. They forget quickly if you did them wrong especially if you are someone they Trust.
We know how adults work…you try and step on someone’s toes..you will experience vengeance and even if you’ve been forgiven, someone will have their suspicious eye on you.
But I guess you could give the excuse that adults go through many experiences and face challenges plus responsibilities. This is why they develop survival tactics in the process. Someone does you wrong and since you don’t want to be fooled thrice, you defend yourself and teach someone a lesson and life goes on. But it ages us. It doesn’t help in renewing our spirit.
You experience negativity and the more you fail to let it go, the more it rots with you. I think this is what currently helps me to let go of grudges. I admit, I am a grudgaholic and occasionally rehabilitate myself to stop with the madness. I think that’s why I thought of that child as an inspiration. I guess that’s why kids have this pure happy energy around them. You will never find them depressed unless they have been put through extreme circumstances that are out of their control.
I also want that happy spirit and I would want it for you too. I don’t want to age because I have problems…I want to age because of GRACE.

I want to age gracefully

Am sure you do too. It’s very simple
In with the positive and out with the negative
Out with the dreadful past and in with the hopeful future
Just like a freshwater lake that has an inlet and an outlet, you should have an inlet and  outlet for your mind body and spirit.

Accepting myflaws as they are

Accepting myflaws as they are.

Accepting myflaws as they are

I have been at this so many times. It’s a bouncy issue I experience every now and then. One minute, your charged and umped up, loving who you are, your existence and seeing the sense in it. However, you go somewhere and it feels like you have to question yourself. You are not accustomed to the usual of the new environment and suddenly, your confidence gets shuttered.
But why does it automatically click that it’s your fault? Why can’t you say to yourself, “am going to give you what I am and if you don’t like it, it’s your loss and if you like it, good for both of us then”. That peace you have with yourself to come to such a conclusion. It’s all you need in this life. Personally, I am working on that. I inflict on myself bad energy whenever I question my flaws. It’s like issues mentally piling one after the other. The sad thing I later realize is that it’s all an illusion. Life can be simple. You know how that works? By not complicating the uncomplicated. Life is about being true to yourself, whether you are surrounded by people you know or you don’t know. Sometimes am eager to go with my head up high and be myself but then it all gets complicated when intimidation comes in.
You meet someone who shows stronger qualities than you think you have and suddenly you sink and make your confident presence as invisible as possible.
But no, they show up so that we learn something different other than what we are used to. They can also in turn learn something positive from us that they don’t have.
I think the root cause of this insecurity is in how we assume the worst of ourselves just because someone said we are not this or that.
However, we should have a positive spirit that gives us the strength to overcome the negative input of others.
Its like turning a deaf ear to people who don’t matter in our lives. In this “suffering generation” where people seek attention and love in the wrong places, it’s very difficult but POSSIBLE.There’s usually that need for approval. Even I suffer sometimes. I sit down and think quietly, “so after I am loved, then what? Is it enough? Is it worth going through all the trouble?”
The sad realization comes. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters in this world except for your spiritual sanity and happiness. Most people would think am crazy but in the long run, they would see my point.
That’s why when we are incomplete on the inside, you start thinking that other people should be responsible for providing you that gratification.
But you should run away from that ideology. It’s an illusion that disappoints in the end.
At the end of it all, I realize that this is me. I have a purpose even if I don’t know or recognize it. The world would not evolve if we all had the same limited ideologies. We are all different plants sprouting and growing in different directions and we all need each other’s differences to enable a worthwhile living experience.
Someone may be indifferent towards your unique qualities but it’s only because they are threatened by your potential.
Its sad that people chose intimidation as a way of assuring their own esteem.
But the beautiful thing is they cannot take away who you are unless they killed you, which wouldn’t work anyway.
So keep your head up high. Do not let any factor affect you negatively. But to achieve that do one thing for me…

EMBRACE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF.

Letter of betrayal…(poetry)

You are not gonna wanna stay close to me, when I get close to the truth,
As I gather courage to come and finally bring out, all thats hidden,
As you look at me, in despair, in quiet shock, wondering,
What happened to what I saw inside of you,
I know people decieve but I couldn’t picture you following the same suit,
You already trained my soul to accommodate you from within,
Now I have to nurse all the wounds you left on me,
My heart is quietly bleeding, crying going through it all, it cannot stop,
I know time heals all wounds, but this pain is wearing me out,
I find some form of peace knowing your guilt is breaking you down,
So when I go down, I don’t go alone,
You may have caused my pain, but you suffered too,
Your actions of betrayal stained your soul, and thats enough motivation for me to move on,
Knowing that am not the only one,
Coz if you dig somebody else’s grave, be ready to be buried in it too.

Fighting with my introvertism

They were fussing about it. “what personality are you?” “are you an extrovert, introvert..so on (other hard terms that describe personalities)”
I stared blankly and confused and smiled like I was familiar with the answer then I shyly looked away.
“yeah, you must be an introvert” for a moment it felt like I had been placed to some belonging..I didn’t know what was going on so this was homework for me to do some research.
So, I looked it up on Google, and was like, “makes sense now”
It felt good to know that what I was associated with was normal. Some people have a lot to say and others don’t. You know…but my introversion reached a point where I would deny myself the opportunity to express stuff untill I forgot how to be, feel and let out.
At that point, you think keeping to yourself will make things easier and won’t cause any harm. Shock on me.
I lost potential friendships because of that. People do take it personally when they approach you and it appears like you are not reciprocating.
Sometimes, I think introversion takes away most of your energy that should be for learning outside your own little world. Instead, it’s just you..you..you.
That’s how it was and sometimes still is for me. Truth is, you will learn and experience more if you include people in your life. But if you don’t get out of your walls, you are likely to feel stagnant. I hate that feeling. Bores me to death. I think that’s what made me slowly come out of that situation. Like I said, “slowly”. It’s not an easy process. In fact, after facing a crowd of social beings and tolerating that experience, I usually just want to run somewhere and take a quiet break. Am still yet to discover why and report it on the blog if I find an answer.
Sometimes I think people love the opportunity to get out and show and prove something. Others want to prove they are the same or have a better presentation of themselves in order to achieve or gain something..could be an opportunity or a new experience.
Well, me,…um…I just want to feel and see if the energy I observe aligns with the energy I think I have. If it doesn’t, I don’t want to impose or conflict with my indifference. But thats just me.
However, as I grow older, I start realizing that it really doesn’t matter. People are just social beings and that’s what they do and that has nothing to do with me. I think that statement has helped me a lot in learning to be open.
I remember at school recently I was being approach by five people I didn’t know and I was reallly trying to keep up with conversation. Though it reached a minute where in my head I was like, ” am exhausted and I need personal space”. Luckily, after a few minutes, they were gone.
However, I did applaud myself for engaging in a conversation. It’s hard, especially when you don’t trust your ability to catch up. But so what?
Yeah, so what. I think my solution was and still is not to judge myself harshly.
Besides, you will never know untill you try.
You should not care about what people think but instead, you should allow yourself to be free. Be who you are. Feel liberated to express yourself. I tried a few times and I tell you the feeling is more than a billion dollars.
“but people will think am weird”
But again, so what?
Is that worth imprisoning yourself?
I think you should give people exactly what is inside of you without ” tryna act cute”. If you get a contradictory response, then you just know they ain’t right for you and you’ll find the company that fits perfectly as you go along the way.
You have to also remember, ” it’s never that serious”
You will meet people but they won’t have to be attached to you for the rest of your life. Some appear for a specific purpose in your life or in theirs then you never see them again and you move on to the next.
Introversion is normal. It exists. I mean hallo! (waving) it’s still stuck with me.
However, I think you can adjust it to a way it won’t make you lose but rather give you opportunities of learning something new.
Yeah, I used it as a crutch to prevent me from opening up. But as I live more, you start realizing that life is an opportunity in itself. Not many have it and tonnes of people lose it. And what is the meaning of life if you are just stagnant! Of course there is a chance of doing better!! Don’t kill yourself because you can’t talk!!!
Just give yourself a chance, a benefit of the doubt..You know..
Remember, even in your flaws, as long as. You are yourself, you are far much beautiful than one who tries to imitate others or deny himself the opportunity.

#Don’t let introversion be a crutch
#Add a little twist and excitement..
#Don’t let introversion make you feel dead or stagnant
# if it’s stuck with you, balance it with something different.