ACKNOWLEDGING IS HEALING

Hey guys, its been a while since I wrote something but that has been bit of a struggle for me especialy when trying to find the right motivation, inspiraton or feeling to jot something. Lately Ihave been having thoughts on my healing journey of my human experience. I find myself analyzing the whole bit of how I experience healing as an individual. It could be in form of an epiphany, a unique experience by you or others that makes you change your train of how you think, percieve, or do things. I have started noticing that happen to me in the smallest instances. An example is when am challenging my social nature which is usually introverted so normally it is not easy for me to initiate a conversation or hype up the energy. This is when I would start challenging my usual temperament and ask myself why I dont feel capable of joining the conversation. And I start reassuring myself that there is nothing odd about me that would stop my ability to even ask a question. Sometimes you realize that there is a possibility of holding on to the weaknesses youve had in the past and it feels like they will forever trap your ability to grow in whatever aspect or just life in general. There is also this pressure of taking acton in order to feel like you are making changes in your life. With having different kinds of information on solutions and feeling good because you listened and then wondering if you will apply the same. It can be such a toxic cycle to take on because one feels the dissapointment so heavy before even making an attempt. Here is where I had this light bulb moment when I realized that a major part of healing does not require an immediate fix of the problem. Yes, walking with the problem is where its at. Being fully present in the process, acknowledgement of what is happening and being able to call it for what it is. Most times, I feel like we hide in the shame of being discovered wearing these badges of dissapointment and it feels so painful and uncomfortable to the external world that we cannot bear the impact. On the contrary, sitting in that discomfort is the only way to get to the other side of experiencing freedom. It doesnt have to be anything complicated. It could be as easy as you acknowledging any type of truth you have been struggling to come to terms with even when you are alone. Normally, as humans we like to put our best foot forward and show our best image of who we are and thats ok. However, it is also ok to challenge the norm and face our truths be it negative or positive. Personally, I want to embark on this journey to even allow myself to understand and know who I really am. The more I discover and acknowledge these truths I have been hiding from myself or the world, the more am allowing myself to HEAL.

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My journaling urge slowly declining

I’ve been wanting to journal as part of a sanity step in my life. I am not saying am crazy but life has its overwhelming load on me sometimes and I always feel the need to have an outlet. I used to journal in my early twenties and as I look back , I think it helped me cope with a lot of the things I dealt with at the time. However, I only understood it as a space for me to vent all my frustrations and negative experiences in life. It’s like the book would stare at me in a worried face asking me, “what’s wrong?” and I would like go crazy and let it out. As I wrote, I somehow expected it to cure my or relieve my issues but there was a silent disappointment in return. You know how you expect a quick fix from a dose. The reality is it allowed me to be calm especially in my emotions but nothing more than that. I would mostly visit quiet parks in the city. Deep down I felt weird about it because if I were to tell someone else that am just going to the park to sit with myself and write down my feelings they would think am crazy or I have nothing better to do with my life. Of course now when I look at it I was possibly on the right path it’s just that I didn’t know how to interpret what I was doing. I was more focused on if it would reduce my anguish. As I continued with the exercise, I realised I was getting tired of the same old method of release( this is just based on my experience) Feeling a certain way, escaping somewhere quiet and venting as usual. It’s a valid exercise, but I felt like I had to find other ways to learn, understand or gain an interpretation of what was going on in my life. Another quest was trying to understand my identity so it could lead to me knowing what I want with my life. I never got the answers. However, I slowly began to pull back over the years, allow myself to be quiet and try listen whenever I could because in case you haven’t noticed, our brains talk a lot and most times it can be a huge distraction to even listening to the sound of our hearts and what our external is trying to say about us. It took time and I could write a whole book but am just typing on the phone and it’s a struggle to let it out so I just try to write with the flow of the words am thinking. I think it reached a place where I realised that the answer was not in finding the answer but understanding and having more empathy for my journey. Am still working on it but am more at peace with whoever I am than that period of my life. It’s not because I solved any puzzle or found the key to the door I’ve been waiting to open all my life. It’s just a relief of acknowledging that it was a burden I had placed on myself that I would’ve never been able to solve. With this realisation, it’s harder for me to journal like I used to. It may seem like a good thing but sometimes I wish I had this routine where I could find the space within myself to wrote down my feelings like I used to. But with a more improved way of doing it. If I feel like am repeating my venting tendencies, it just cuts the vibe for me. But maybe even this is a form of expression as well. I think I’ve journalled like only 3 times and I is a paragraph of me saying how I don’t know what to write. Of course I know but I don’t want to feel like am repeating myself. I hope I could find other ways to do it. All peace and love. Till next time

Self love ..a compulsory life skill

In my mental health journey now that I think about it there is that part where I felt like what was weighing me down was the energy of what was said about me in a negative light. Lately, it just feels like maybe it’s more of how I allowed my brain to internalise and as a result become negative and toxic towards myself ..and it’s probably easier to deal in that manner because it wont hurt as much when faced by the reality. I think i used it as a crutch because then i don’t have to do the work of feeling and acknowledging the pain associated with that. The work would also involve me unlearning the negative words planted in me. And sometimes it feels like a lot because you have to convince yourself you’re not stupid, incapable, useless, you name it. You would like to believe you’re not but the intensity of which the words keep being fed inside you makes it difficult.
It brings up a battle of believing the negative impact vs what you’re supposed to believe.
I now believe its one of those challenges that’s meant to train your self awareness and thick skin. So messed up if you ask me but if its how am going to learn then one is left with no choice.
If one is lucky enough to have healed and have this realisation and changed perspective, their futures are definitely secured..not only moneywise but also mentally and spiritually.
The negative noise is an inevitable occurence as long as each of us exists in this imperfect world of ours. And I guess its my responsibility to train my mind to unlearn all the negative influences or experiences I have had in my life.
I am sure it feels like you are supposed to know this but there’s a way the negative conditioning cripples that possibility.
But now that i know it once again, acknowledge it in my soul, i feel good about what impact it will give me and you who have read this…
Let’s love our human selves. Stop putting expectations as a mark for conditionally loving and honoring yourself. Carry yourself with love. You are a gem. Not because of what you have but your existence is enough print . We all are.
If God’s love for you is immeasurable, who are you to start hating on yourself?
I love you. I love me. Take care 🙂 💕

My andraine addiction

Hi. My name is Lorna and am an android addict. I have been for around 6 years now. I never felt like it was until the recent three years. There is a time when having access to a good phone and Internet was like a luxury. Expensive. But now, it’s changing. It’s becoming more accessible because smart phones are becoming more affordable than ever and so is the Internet. Apps are becoming increasingly popular and technology is evolving at the quickest pace we have ever experienced over the centuries. I sometimes feel like a zombie in this world. There was a time when the environment and energy was more human. I feel like now there is a technological solution for everything we consider a problem. Feel bored, watch tiktok. Want TV, install showmax on phone. Feel depressed, watch enlightenment and motivational content on YouTube or better yet, get an online therapist on better help. To be honest, I cannot entirely say its a bad thing but have you ever just reflected on how controlled our urges are. It’s like how you give an infant a milk bottle or a pacifier to rescue them from the unpleasantness they feel when upset. An as an observer sometimes I have been in a scenario where people’s heads are bent over their gadgets. No life. Just clicks. I feel like us having access to everything is reducing the tolerance of discomfort, stillness, and pain in our coping mechanisms as humans. I have never experienced such a time where cases of depression and suicide is growing at such an alarming rate. There is wave of trying to have a solution for everything while some things just need to be left as they are. In all this there is a time I had an epiphany that as much as we always strive to be happy and content, there is a space that should be included where you let things work themselves out even if you don’t like the outcome. That space teaches you what is in between the lines of just what is presented at the front. And sometimes the suffering and distress as a result blind us from seeing that and we rush to finding an antidote to the problem. I remember an instance that has happened to me where I find myself so indulged on my phone, then I feel mentally exhausted by the information and screen time. Call it an overload. I once tried to really time myself for an hour to be away from the gadget. I was selling some jewellery in an event and there was not much traffic so the energy around me was just quiet, bored, hopeless..you name it. There are many things I could have thought instead of instantly turning to my phone for some moral support..yikes!! But guess what I did? I scrolled over the apps..at some point I realised it wasn’t quenching my thirst enough and that point 😅 it didn’t help that customers were still not passing by. So the desperate moment I had got me thinking, why don’t I switch off screen time for one hour? I know to some of yall it’s not a lot but in my theory, little steps go a long way. I tried it and the first thing I noticed was how restless I was. I guess it was the anxiety. So I took a Bracelet and just played around with it as I glared at the patterns. There was still this weird discomfort of not knowing how to be still. It went on for like ten minutes. I felt like I was in withdrawal mode. After that I felt an inexplicable calmness even in my soul. I even had ideas of walking around, looking at my jewellery and having mind conversations about it. It was such a fulfilling moment for me. That’s when you know you are really apart of this robotic system that’s intended to help us in every adversity we face but leave us with such an enormous internal responsibility to deal with. It was an eye opening experience but am still on my phone even now as I type. Anyway, I guess we are already in the virtual system and there’s not much we can do to control its extensive influence. However, I believe that if we take time to set intentional boundaries to create balance in the chaos would go a long way. Am yet to set a meditation guideline for me, everyday because I realised that my taking a break involves going to YouTube and watching happy and calm videos..like isn’t that so twisted? Because when do I get to even listen to my thoughts or just how the brain wants to process and breathe for a while..its good that am talking about it because it helps me walk and think through it. I just pray that I am able to fight this with many others because its like a virus and the only vaccine is the willingness to take a timeout from this spinning wheel of satiation because it will never be enough. It was never meant to be enough. We are just meant to experience the balance of suffering and joy. Cheers to more attempts to fight this and the need to be Present and alive in every thing we experience in life..Numbing is just a prolonged death or disaster waiting to happen. Anyway let me stop using these words..it can be done..

Awarding Courage

Am not a person who likes confronting situations. I hate having to argue or deal with a situation where the conversation sounds tense or there is just a hostile negative energy to it. I think it has something to do with past negative experiences especially in relationships where healthy communication is not registered. I am a vending seller and I do try to sell my jewellery to earn some income to sustain myself and also feel confident about my skills and put my work out there. Today morning I arranged my allocated space and settled. We are usually arranged in different slots within the allocated space based on a first come first served basis. Where I am is where another girl was but she left and closed for the holidays. I took up her spot because last time I was arranged in a poor strategic spot so it made sense. She came late five days later and told me to move out of her spot. She has always been kind polite but sometimes am able to tell when someone is pretending especially in business. I usually display a soft personality that is kind and try to avoid conflict at all times. I don’t recommend anyone to follow through with that because it has its own set of negative set of consequences. People rake advantage of being nice. And many times I have found myself being disrespected and suffering in silence when someone is not fair towards me. Its an oppressive vibe. To be honest, am not a perfect person and am not trying to be but there is this need to keep the peace and not bring myself to a place where I have to cause emotional turmoil to my soul. The ideal is to work through my emotions and learn how to effectively communicate when I feel like I have something to say. Anyway, back to the girl…I surprisingly refused. I told her I cannot move my business just because she was here before. It is not anyone’s spot. I tried to be kind about it but deep down I was feeling so worked up. I was so angry at how I allowed people in the past to walk over me and it kept replaying as I was responding to her. The betrayal of her thinking she can play with “meek personality ” to get what she wants? Tf? I played cool and eventually she left and arranged for herself another setup. I think she thought she would bully me..hmm. am proud to say not this time. 👏 I thank myself for standing up for once. I didn’t care that she’d like me or hate me. Its a business. I ain’t your sister girl.. as much as heart was racing I did it. I respected myself…if you struggle with conflict, I understand its not easy to get to that place. For each step you take, encourage yourself so that you build a morale to create boundaries. I took back some of my dignity that had been taken away in all those negative instances. At the end of the day the progressive steps to creating boundaries make you have so much respect for yourself as a person..cheers to more courage.

Watch “acrylic painting on canvas…an abstract process” on YouTube

Self validation

Self validation: learning how to validate yourself when no one is looking or before others do.
I guess we live in a society where it is programmed that we seek validation we are right or wrong in the eyes of others. Even in kindergarten, there was that favorite kid who was loved more than others because they “earned it more” and it goes on even at the workplace or wherever you go. But I think we should adopt the habit of encouraging ourselves even when in the eyes of others that might not be the case.
Be it a parent, just sit somewhere and remind yourself you have done a good job. Personally, as a creative I still struggle with this because it’s like in the process where not many might understand why my painting or video did not match a certain standard, that’s a trigger for me to start doubting my abilities as a creative.  There’s healthy criticism that is given in a positive way but then life tests your ability to believe in what you are doing despite how it looks to others. And it’s easy to bow to the pressure of running on a hamster wheel and it never being fast enough.
For my sanity and psyche build, I think it’s important to have those moments where you appreciate every process in life and recognise that it’s an experience that will grow you as a person. Sometimes it’s not about the hype of the event  but the process that led you there. Its just a result of how far you were able to withstand the pressure of succeeding as you were working behind the scenes .
Wins and losses occur and are part of life. Its not a condemning point to giving yourself a million more chances. We are all doing our best in whatever we are doing. Only God can judge. So am learning to stop pinning myself down because there was a wave or energy directed to me by someone else. I am Learning that redirecting that anxiety by Praying and being still and wanting to trust that what God says about my next step in life holds more weight.
It’s not easy..I still have that people pleasing trigger demon inside me that creeps up so quickly whenever I want to avoid conflict. But its life and its a process towards and not the end of it…kwa hivo tupambane na life hopefully in a positive way na tujipende ata tukingangana na maisha..
Even when you are struggling, I think a positive way of coping is validating that struggle and not being embarrassed because of how it will look to others. Owning it and even the energy you attract as a result will reward that struggle positively. Anyway easier said than done but there is hope and let’s not lose it.
(Ps * This was a counselling session for me after meditating.i just felt to share in case it helps you 珞)

Self disrespect

Let me touch on self esteem just from experience,  I have been reading about having respect for yourself by creating boundaries..wow the many times I have disrespected myself 狼 and sometimes I think to myself,,its not disrespect, there is something inadequate about me that makes me think I should humble myself and not speak up because I don’t have the right,,it could be an insecurity, a lack of keeping up with your peers, appearance, money strain, or a flaw you highly regard as an excuse or a pass to be treated a certain way..
I feel like many times that is how I have been categorising the lack of boundaries..like yeah maybe I allow someone to say this or do this because in my past I failed or I am not eloquent enough so if someone pushes me ..I kinda get it..but its wrong..
I just realised recently that it’s a toxicity with myself that I’ve tolerated for so long..it makes me feel like shit coz I can’t turn back time..but I guess the idea is to relearn ways to respect yourself despite who you are..sometimes we can be in a place where we don’t recognise that because the situations life has dealt us make us believe we don’t deserve any better.. because we believe its already a decided print ..of how our future will unravel
It would require a journey of constant reflection, healing and self work to change such a perception. And it’s not easy but even little intentional steps go along way ..if someone constantly reminds you be it at home, work place, whatever social setting that you don’t amount to anything, it’s easy to store that information until it rests comfortably in your subconscious until it shows in how you show respect to yourself…or even how others should treat you..there’s an energy one (well, I) give off and yeah I guess some people are empathetic enough to understand and just let you be until you feel like you deserve to believe in yourself again …but most times it’s those that usually sense that energy and find a way to drown you with it..and it starts slowly..the uncomfortable laugh after something piercing is said..you are not supposed to laugh or grin…its hurtful!
Well I could write a book about these situations coz am guilty af 
Nway, some healing statements for you if you are on this disrespect trail(no judgement)
You are human and you belong here ♥
Being here on earth is enough ❤
There is no qualification to gain or be respected by anyone/ your past events should not be a basis for how they should respect you. .❤
We are all a work in progress .
We all make mistakes..
Life is a journey of healing and renewal …not judgement and discrimination. .
You will always matter and only you can truly identify with that ❤❤❤
Nway, that’s it
Have a great weekend
Lorna

Hey, checking in again.. Lately I have been trying to think of stuff to write on my blog..

There is a time when writing burned in me like a passion and I would race with the keyboard and thoughts.

Now it feels like it’s old for me to get back that feeling but still I feel like I have denied myself a mental outlet.

Writing used to help me a lot. Especially in those dark moments where you cannot get out what you are feeling and you are just there stuck with negative feelings.

 

How do I deal now?

 

Depression. Stress. All of it. The norm is to find a way out. However, I think that finding an escape does not completely help. Sometimes you just got to deal with these inner skeletons by yourself.

 

I realized that sometimes sharing doesn’t help. I am able to tell the energy of the listener. It feels like you should take the, “you’ll be fine and move the shit on bruh” answer.

 

If you continue, you are killing them men..

 

Me, myself.. I don’t understand. You think when you share, that’s it. You are going to transform into this light that beat darkness.

 

No. It is still there. So I sat and wondered. 🤔, what to do with this negative energy?

 

It stuck in me.. Them negative thoughts ain’t trying to leave.

 

Do I talk to..

“nuh, you gotta deal with your demons”

 

“only you could do it men.. Nobody can come exorcize bad energy out of your life and soul”

 

Oh no.. It’s up to me. How painful and pathetic is that?

 

“call it what you want… It’s the only way out”

 

A whisper…

… Love on yourself, embrace the chaos.. It’s yours anyway..

 

.. It’s up to you to do the work of reducing the feeling of crapiness.

 

.. It’s a difficult.. Process. How do you tell me to buy candy for myself when I want to burn the candy store..

 

It’s not you.. It’s courage that takes over. Take a step and see where it goes. Paint, smile, get out, spread love even with a loveless heart. There is something that gives back. The feeling changes. There are limitless ideas of what to do.

 

It doesn’t have to be politically correct. Even the silliest task. As long as it makes you feel light.

 

Anyway, so far that’s my reasoning for it. It is still a struggle but a school for me on how to be stronger at dealing with lows of life.

 

Life is mine.. Who else gon live it but me? Huh?

 

Nway, light and love ❤️

Lorna Waweru

Adulting according to me

I feel like sometimes adulting is difficult.. In some ways, you want to be a kid again and just go blindly with decisions that make you feel good. However, as an adult, one feels the responsibilities, the consequences. You’ve been there before.. Why would you want to ride the same boat? …all over again?!?
It can get boring…sometimes but I guess maybe when you look back you feel proud of how you allowed yourself to grow. For example, it can be that argument you turned down however heated it felt. Like I said, you’ve probably had plenty of those and it did not end up well. It could also be that food diet decision you make. You know your digestive system is not as tolerant as it used to be. It could also be breaking out of your shell(still working on this one). You just realized that you’ve been in your shell too long until it feels like it stinks and you just want to come out and breathe. You don’t wanna die in egg smell. You want to feel fresh. You want to feel like your moving or climbing the stairs. Its depressing enough to jog on the spot while you have this desire to run a mile but you are yet to create the will, motivation and bravery inside of you to do it. And that’s a lot. Sometimes I get exhausted. I over think of million of possibilities why its better to stay in that shell instead of looking forward to disappointment. But sometimes the light comes through and I want to do a positive self talk on how to get my life moving. Its a battle. It makes me wonder, then what is life about?
Then I realize its just that. What else did I think it would be about?
Probably having supernatural expectations of myself?
In this light, I have come to also realize that adulting is also being kind to yourself. When I was young, (and not just me..)I thought adults were superficial and perfect. They just correct the little ones. But now being one, I realize we are just as clueless. No one knows if everything will work out. You just jump and if you fall, you don’t beat and hide yourself. Instead, being kind to yourself involves accepting the injury, taking time to heal and regain your strength. Am still working on this too.
Am blubbering coz in person, I don’t talk much but on paper, I could write a book because that’s how my mind runs with its thoughts.
Anyway, who cares its therapeutic for me. My mind feels lighter😇😇😇
Anyways, (where was I?!?)
Yeah ..adulting.. There’s no specific formula..as it grows in you based on the experiences you have in life.
As for me, life must continue. Am stronger than yesterday or a few confusing years ago. And am proud of where am going( if I don’t feel it, I get to declare it right?!?)
Because I should be proud. Align with the right energy to see a positive vision of what’s coming.
Unless you clear your focus, it will always feel unclear. But even if it is , be kind enough to yourself and love the journey of figuring it out despite how difficult it seems. It will makes sense. The chaos doesn’t last when it acknowledges your resilience. It only bullies you when feel weak.
So I guess at the end of it all, it leads to working on your mentality and attitude towards life.
Am still a student of this process despite my long essay of advise. Am possibly lecturing myself too😂
Anyway
Happy life guyz
Lorna Waweru